Know Better, Learn Faster
by WP
Summary: Set in 4x02 aftermath. Just Naomily.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: 3 Naomily, so much that I'm writing again for the first time in quite a while. Hope you enjoy, I know its short but hopefully have more very soon.**

**Know Better, Learn Faster**

**She didn't think that silence could be so crushing. She'd always appreciated it, it had been almost invisible most of her childhood when her mum opened the door to cult and collective alike. But now, with so much silence, such deafening silence, she cursed it. **

**Emily hadn't said a word to her all day. She would get the occasional nod of shake of the head but no eye contact, no real acknowledgement, no comfort at all. **

**She'd had this gnawing feeling in the pit of her stomach since the affair. Even when she was with that other girl, the Naomi she wants to be, really is deep down, was weeping. She knew what she had just done to her relationship, her Ems. Since that open day, the gnawing was her constant companion. And it had been growing steadily bigger and stronger until now when she is so sure its going to swallow her up. **

**It would get worse as the night went on, as her hope for the day disappeared. In the morning, she'd wake up and think 'maybe today'. Maybe today she'd get some words, a conversation, maybe even a small hand in her own. But maybe had consistently failed her and when Emily went to bed, firmly on her own side and simply turned out her light and went to sleep her hope went dark. **

**Naomi couldn't climb into that bed. She wanted so badly to feel Emily's warmth, her back brushing an arm or a fellow back, a foot entangled in her own. But that distance between them on the very bed they struggled so hard to leave each morning until the unveiling of her betrayal, that distance threatened to kill her. **

**It felt like her ribs were collapsing down around her heart. During the day she could hold back that lump in her throat most of the time but at night, in that silence, looking at the red hair of the girl she loved, that she betrayed and thinking of the girl she misled and used, she couldn't hold them back. She had never cried so hard in her life. It hurt, hurt like she deserved. They were like tidal waves, so forceful, so suffocating she couldn't even have made noise if she had tried. **

**Most nights that was her routine, she'd sit on the sofa adjacent to the bed, watch Emily's sleeping form and she would cry and think and get caught in that cycle until the dawn light began to filter in and she would swallow back the pain and fear that consumed her in the darkness and pray to whatever Deity she could think of that today would be the day.**

**By the time Emily awoke she was showered and making their breakfast. **


	2. Chapter 2

AN: Part 2. Hope if your reading, your liking.

Naomi had her tea and toast ready every single morning. There routine of living together without communicating was working fairly well in its practicalities. Each morning she awoke just after Naomi was out of the bathroom, Naomi would say good morning, attempt a real smile but fail and just make Emily's heart hurt more.

Emily wanted to touch her cheek, slip a hand onto her hip and kiss the blonde who broke her heart, to impart her forgiveness with that one simple gesture but she couldn't. It would play out in her head in the hallway every morning and in that last second she would give Naomi a wider berth than needed when passing her in the hall and quickly close the bathroom door behind herself.

Then this, the breakfast filled with silence and the occasional slurp and crunch. When they got to college they would go to class, maybe sit with the group. But all the time they had the same set up; Naomi always sat adjacent to her. She could feel those eyes burning a hole in her most of the time. She quite liked that. It was the only comfort she had. Naomi was right there, waiting, watching, making sure she didn't fall apart or run away. She knew it was messed up but it made her feel safe, made her feel stronger. Not strong enough to talk about any of it or look her in the eye for longer than 3 seconds, but strong enough to not melt into a puddle of despair.

That had pretty much been her way of life since the night she went back to the house. The house that once held so much happiness for her. She didn't ever stop and think about any of it. If she lived in silence no thoughts could get in. That's not to say she didn't feel the most astonishing burning in her heart every second of the day, that she didn't want to weep when she thought of Sophia, that it didn't make her feel nauseous when she thought of Naomi and Sophia together.

But if she could just stay quiet, stay calm, then eventually it would end. It would go away, they could forget it and maybe one day be them again.

As the days passed she started to realise that's not how things could be. That eventually she will have to think about it, really think and feel and talk but how could she talk about that? About the mess of it all. It hurt so much. Hurt and hurt until her head was jumbled and she didn't know who she was or what she needed. She knew she needed Naomi, wanted her but she wasn't sure if that was enough.

They hadn't touched since. All those simple gestures of love and comfort were gone and she missed them so much. She hadn't been warm since, like her own body wasn't enough, wasn't right without its connection to Naomi.

Naomi. She was always there, always right behind her but never WITH her. At night, she would go to sleep and pray she would wake up wrapped in those arms she grew so accustomed to sleeping in. But every morning she woke up alone, cold, Naomi just emerging from the bathroom. It took her a while to realise Naomi wasn't coming to bed at all. The blankets on the sofa were rumpled and the sheets on Naomi's side weren't. She didn't know how to feel about that.

In class, she would sometimes see Naomi's head lull downwards from the corner of her eye. She was sleeping more and more in class, always awakening with a start and looking directly over to Emily. Making sure she was still there.

The blonde was looking worse and worse, the obvious lack of sleep she was getting was playing out under her eyes. It only made Emily feel worse.

"Sofa can't be comfy." Emily said with a croakiness that shocked even her. Her voice was barely being used these days.

Naomi's mouth was slightly agape as Emily pulled back the covers to her side before scooting very definitely back to her own side. The emphasis was clear, sleep on the bed, but not with me.

She knew she shouldn't, that Emily wasn't forgiving her with this gesture but the thought of a warm soft bed, so close to Emily that she would feel the sheets rise and fall with each breath the redhead took was too enticing. She carefully crawled in, barely even shaking the mattress.

"Good night." It was so quiet she was sure Emily didn't hear it.


	3. Chapter 3

AN: Part 3. Thanks for your comments guys. Glad your enjoying. Sorry but this is turning a bit epic, forgot how much pleasure there is in fic writing. So you wont be getting rid of me too quick. I'll have more soon! Enjoy.

The thought of sleep was so relaxing. Until the thoughts that she had every night began to enter her mind.

Emily, Sophia, the guilt, the pain in her chest, the thumping in her head, burning in her eyes, tightness in her throat. Then that tightness, that pressure seemed to spread like a cancer through her entire body until she thought she couldn't breathe. For each tiny bit of air that she managed to get into her lungs, double leapt out. She tried so hard to keep quiet, her hands quickly transformed into fists. Her heartbeat echoed in her ears, it was so loud, how could it be so loud? Everything had been so quiet and now she thought the neighbours could hear.

Emily was drifting off as she heard something. She didn't know what it was. A fox? Maybe some drunk idiot walking home. She listened more intently and realised she could hear nothing. Literally nothing. She very carefully, to avoid any contact, turned around to face the blonde when she saw her completely still. She couldn't see anything but her hair. She let her eyes trail down Naomi's arm that was at her side and saw the fist. Even with bad lighting she could tell that was a tight fist.

She knew something was wrong, more wrong than she had come to think of as normal. Leaning forward slightly she peered over Naomi's hair and saw her eyelids squeezed tightly shut.

"Naomi?" Again nothing but a croaked out whisper. She began to feel panic rise up.

"Nai?" She sounded like a scared little kid.

Without any thought she reached out across the invisible barrier and let her hand slide onto Naomi's hot arm.

It was soon drawn back out of shock when Naomi's body jerked away from her touch and she made an almighty intake of breath. She was so thrown off guard it took Naomi's sobs a moment to reach her ears.

That world of silence they had inhabited for what felt like a lifetime was now filled with the sound of pain and sadness and panic.

Naomi was breaking in front of her eyes. She was shaking, gasping, weeping. This wasn't right. She began to think what if she was ill? Had she taken anything without Emily knowing?

She couldn't see the blondes face so she lept out of bed and fell to her knees at Naomi's side.

"What's wrong? Did you take something?" She knew her voice was stronger then than it had been all week but it didn't seem to reach Naomi who hadn't showed any sign of recognition.

Just when she was about to ask again, Naomi's eyes burst open wide and she saw what broke her heart further than she believed possible. Fear. Heart stopping, unadulterated fear.

She sat there dumbfounded. In that moment she understood more than she had before. And it spurred her into action.

Emily returned to the bed, this time sitting in the middle she pulled Naomi up and into a sitting position. Her body was so rigid, like it was made of metal rather than flesh. She felt a twang of pain when she felt Naomi try to resist her touch. But she was easy to overpower. Emily held her against her body like she was a child. She had her wrapped so tightly she couldn't move, no point in fighting it.

Still there was the earth shattering noise of Naomi crying and trying so hard to breath. It made her eyes well to the point she was blind. "Shh." It was pathetic but she had no idea what to say. 'man up, Fitch.' She told herself.

"I'm here, I'm right here. I'm not going, your safe. Just breath. Calm down. I'm right fucking here and you better not leave me. Don't you fucking let this destroy you. I need you to be here, I need you to be ok, so be ok." She said through the tears streaking her face. She was rocking Naomi now. She could feel her trying to calm down, to breath normally. Slowly but surely she was beginning to get her breath but still she was sobbing. They were racking through both of their frames.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry…" Naomi was incessantly utter her apologies through stuttered sobs. Emily stopped rock her. She had been dreading this moment.

Naomi tried so swallow back her sobs further. "I didn't want this, I didn't, I couldn't, I just… I'm so sorry. I can't stand it, I hate myself, I hate what I've done to us. To you. I love you. I love you. I got so scared. What if I wasn't enough? What if you hated me? If you left me?" After that last part her cries took over again.

Emily held her tighter, if she didn't she was sure she'd run away and never stop running.

"Stop." She begged.

Naomi just kept crying. She felt so useless, so angry. She didn't want the girl she loved to be so upset but she also hated her for being the one to break. If anyone should get to cry it should be her.

Sitting with those thoughts she was torn out of her stupor when Naomi bolted out of her arms, running out of the room she banged into drawers and walls. Before she could even get up she heard the bathroom door slam.

She could hear the heaving almost straight away. She found that her anger at not being the one falling apart was fading as she realised that Naomi, the one she loves. Still loves despite everything, was tearing herself apart with the guilt. She knew Naomi wasn't good with emotions or feelings. She didn't deal with them well, or rationally. Right now, she needed to be the girlfriend. She tried to open the door: locked. She knocked but Naomi ignored it.

"Let me in. Please."

Silence.

"Naomi? Fucking let me in, your scaring me."

"I'm fine, just go." Naomi said through the door. She didn't want Emily to see her like this. She was already embarrassed and angry at how badly she'd fallen apart. How weak and disgusting she was. It wasn't her place to get in such a terrible mess.

She heard the stairs squeak as Emily made her way downstairs and her heart fell. The sickness had quickly subsided but now she could feel the tears returning. She dragged herself to the sink and brushed her teeth. The sobbing and gagging making her the most pathetic oral hygiene conscious girl ever. She looked at her puffy red face and blood shot eyes reflected in the mirror and sighed. She'd fucked up everything. For good. She was going to go to bed, fall into it and never leave. Emily's scent surrounding her until she just gave up.


	4. Chapter 4

AN: Part 4. Thanks again for all the great reviews and for just reading. This is the last part. Let's hope our girls get their happy ending in the last 3.

Pulling open the bathroom door she began to plod out, head dropped to her chest. She stopped in her tracks as she saw Emily on the stairs holding out a glass of water for her.

She would have burst into tears again but they were gone. Dried up. But the lump in her throat burned bigger than ever. She took the glass, avoiding Emily's beautiful eyes. "Thanks."

The word lingered as neither seemed sure of what came next.

Emily soon moved through to the bedroom, perching on the sofa. Naomi got her hint and followed her through.

"Do you feel ok?" Emily asked. She was shocked at how empathetic her tone was.

Naomi couldn't help the sarcastic laugh that left her mouth. "I feel like the world's about to end, and all I can do is watch it and know its my fault."

It became apparent to the redhead that her time of silence had ended, Naomi wasn't sitting back and letting it happen anymore, she wanted to talk.

"So, you want me to tell you its not your fault?" Emily asked with levelled voice.

Naomi turned to look at her, eyebrows pinched together in shock. "No! I want you to tell me it is. Tell me how disgusting I am, how much I don't deserve you still in my life. I need you to tell me you hate me, not just ignore me!"

Emily felt so frustrated and sad in that moment. "Don't say that. Your not some disgusting monster. If I hated you, I wouldn't be here, I wouldn't feel this way."

Naomi listened to Emily's deflated voice and suddenly they were together in their sadness. For the last week they'd been so separate, so alone in the same place.

Emily took a shaky breath. "You've broken me. But you don't get to wallow or give up, its your job to put me back together again. No one else can."

Naomi dropped to her knee's in front of Emily and looked up at her pleadingly. "I'll do whatever it takes."

Emily looked into those eyes and she knew it was true. Her Naomi would do anything, would wait it out as long as it takes. But she already looked so sad, so lost.

"Be mine. Be my Naomi, not the one that can't break through the cat flap. You can't be that girl anymore, I couldn't take it again." Emily said as the lump her throat threaten to stifle her voice.

Naomi shook her head as she held back her tears. "I'm not her anymore, I swear I couldn't ever hurt you again, I couldn't. It's been killing me, seeing you so wounded. Seeing what I did. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't tear my eyes away from you. I don't want you to leave me, I don't want a life without you." She said quickly.

Neither had noticed as there hands had intertwined and they gripped onto each other.

Emily's mouth quivered, "Can you just hold me and pretend we're ok?"

Naomi nodded and silently led them the short distance to the bed. She let Emily climb in first, she lay down on her side facing away from the blonde. Naomi knew this position so she done what was expected of her and lay down beside Emily, pulled the covers over them both and moulded her body to Emily's, there feet nuzzling as she put her arm under Emily's neck and the other over her arm. They were perfectly contained, both feeling the warmth they'd missed for what seemed like so long.

They both lay there, savouring the comfort for the next while. It could have been 10 minutes or 10 hours. For the first time the world just stopped, they just stopped and became one mass of comfort and safety.

Emily could feel Naomi breathing. She could get lost in that rhythm for a lifetime. Her mind began to drift to earlier, to the state that Naomi was in. To how completely destroyed she looked.

Emily knew she was sorry. She knew she didn't cheat for some shallow ego driven reasons. That didn't make it better it just made it… something Emily could compute. She knew Naomi's go to reactions: run and keep running. But she hadn't ran yet, she had done the exact opposite. She was right there for every second of it, for every soul crushing moment, every awkward second.

Emily knew her girl was done running. And that's where her hope was. But that didn't make it instantly better. They had so much work still ahead of them. The only way Emily could see of getting to the other side was taking it one thing at a time. And constantly reminding herself why she was putting all this effort in: Her love.

So, on to issue number 1. She gently rolled over to face Naomi. The blondes eyes were gazing down, not meeting her own. She allowed herself to close the gap between them as she placed her forehead against Naomi's and nuzzled her until she met her eyes.

"Aren't you sleepy?" she asked gently.

Naomi made a small shrug motion and let her eyes cast downwards again.

"You haven't been sleeping." She stated gently, not forcefully. The blonde looked like she'd break at the slightest pressure.

"I couldn't." It was barely a whisper.

Emily got the feeling that this was one of those times that silence was the answer. Within seconds she watched as Naomi appeared to curl up into a tiny wounded creature.

Sobs surrounded such a simple phrase. "I thought I'd lost you."

Emily pulled Naomi into her arms and stroked her back. "You haven't." She promised as she laid a kiss on Naomi's head.

After a couple of minutes of comforting touches and whispered encouragement Naomi had cried herself out but much to Emily's dismay was still fighting off sleep.

"I can't switch off. I can't stop thinking about what a prick I am. I can't tear my eyes from you because I can't bear to have you leave." Her tone was even. Sure it was sad and frustrated but mostly it was just a simple truth spilling into the dark.

Emily nodded. "This is fucked but I don't know how else to deal than to pretend this is all there is. That you and me right now is all that matters. And right now, your shattered. You had some kind of panic attack and I'm worried about you but sleep seems like what you need so I'm here to make sure you get it." She told her.

Naomi would never admit it but she loved when Emily took charge, told her what was going to happen and therefore made it so.

"I promise I'll be here when you wake up. I don't want to be anywhere else." She swore.

Naomi could see it was the truth, Emily's eyes always gave away her intentions. She finally tried to untense, to just let all that pressure built up inside escape. She started to feel it. Like waves washing over her mind. Her eyelids were drooping within seconds and for the first time in a week she didn't want to fight it. The last thing she was aware of was Emily placing a cool kiss on her warm forehead.

When she heard those cute little snores start to emanate from the blonde she let her breathe. She was asleep.

Emily let her own eyes close as she tried to figure out how this had happened. She was so angry, she didn't want to talk about it or deal with it. She didn't want to feel any of it. Then, out of the darkness of the room it hit her. She hadn't left because she couldn't. She didn't want to but she thought Naomi would. Naomi was always the one running away and Emily thought it would be the same this time.

Her girl had proved her wrong. Typical, can't pin Naomi Campbell down, can't ever have her figured out. The girl who almost always ran, had stayed. She stayed, and waited, and she just felt it. Emily couldn't help but feel proud. The very betrayal that could have broke them apart was an act of her not feeling, running away but now that had changed and she was brave.

Emily knew now that they could be brave together. Maybe the future did exist. Maybe all those hopes and plans were still out there somewhere. Maybe they'd find them again together.


End file.
